They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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