ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
