Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
