This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
