I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I puked a lego.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Help. Why am I so naked?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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