i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
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I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
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I think pants incapable of making pants work
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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