he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
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It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
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No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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