i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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