why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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