you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
