I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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