I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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