He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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