I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
