We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
