girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
