I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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