Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
