i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
