no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
