Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
