when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
