I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
