My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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