thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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