On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!