Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
