I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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