I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
