Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
