I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
