Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
