OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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