when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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