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My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
