Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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