so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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