Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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