Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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