I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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