I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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