I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
