just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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