My Higher Power is John Stamos
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
