the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
