Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
