if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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