I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
