Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
