Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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