So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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