Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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