last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
