I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
