so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
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Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
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He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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