she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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