I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
