where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I lost the right to judge tonight
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
